The Poll We Need: Angela Motorman runs the numbers

If the de-election were held tomorrow, which would you prefer to see Donald J. Trump being frog-marched across?
(a) the south lawn of the White House
(b) the 9th green at Mar-A-Lago
or
(c) Foley Square

Similarly, in a head-to-head match-up, which of these Attorneys General would get your vote for immediate detention in a cage at the ICE center in El Paso TX?
(a) Jeff Sessions
or
(b) William Barr

Which of these Senators do you feel best deserves a 3 AM no-knock arrest warrant?
(a) Lindsay Graham
or
(b) Mitch McConnell

With regard to despot-in-waiting Mike Pence, which of the following terms do you find to be most applicable?
(a) toady
or
(b) antichrist

Which candidate would best represent the Trump administration in a long-term posting to Rikers Island?
(a) Steven Miller
or
(b) Rudy Giuliani

Of these enablers, who do you believe has the best chance of mounting a successful insanity defense?
(a) Kellyanne Conway
(b) Sarah Huckabee Sanders
(c ) Sean Spicer
or
(d) Sean Hannity

Which cabinet member would get your vote for unemployment immersion therapy in South Philadelphia?
(a) Betsy DeVos
(b) Ben Carson
or
(c) Scott Pruitt

In your view, where should Mike Pompeo and John Bolton live out their remaining days?
(a) Florence Supermax
(b) Maricopa Co. Tent City
or
(c) Guantanamo

Which of these grifters should spend their internment eating bologna sandwiches on stale white bread?
(a) Steven Mnuchin
(b) Wilbur Ross
or
(c) Elaine Chao

In your opinion, what format should judgement be rendered through?
(a) individual trials, sequentially
(b) individual trials, simultaneously
or
(c) one mass trial of all 57 main defendants

From which of these locales should the jury pool be chosen?
(a) Burlington VT
(b) San Francisco CA
(c) Lordstown OH
or
(d) San Juan Puerto Rico

What would you say the primary charge should be for all defendants?
(a) misfeasance
(b) malfeasance
or
(c) treason

In the interest of fair and accurate reporting, which of the following would likely provide the best context and commentary?
(a) Joy Reid
(b) Charlie Pierce
(c) Elie Mystal
(d) Malcolm Nance
or
(e) Sarah Kendzior

In light of the large number of as-yet unindicted co-conspirators (e.g., Warren Zinke, Kevin McCarthy, Paul Ryan, Jared Kushner), which of the following sanctions should be applied repeatedly when their day comes?
(a) pillorying
or
(b) mugging

Which of these uppity females would you like to see as lead prosecutor?
(a) Maxine Waters
(b) Alexandria Ocasio-Coretz
or
(c)  Greta Thunberg

If Brett Kavanaugh is still on the Supreme Court at the time of the trial(s), would a new career as a proctology exam model be a good fit for him?
(a) yes
or
(b) oh hell yes

For the first time in 46 years, the offerings this summer at Columbus' favorite hippie festival will include -- without a drop of irony -- a complaint booth.

Short North Gazetteer
4.1.18


New at The 2018 Columbus Community Festival

The times, they really are a-changing. For the first time in 46 years, the offerings this summer at Columbus' favorite hippie festival will include -- without a drop of irony -- a complaint booth.

Can't find parking on a weekend in the Short North? Art too costly? Service too slow? Now there's an outlet for that frustration.

 "People are going to complain anyway," said Festival spokeswoman Liz Estrada. "We're just centralizing and streamlining it so Festival participants can be sure they're delivering their complaint at the right doorstep. Then they can go on and enjoy the rest of the event."

Anyone can file a complaint about anything related to the fest simply by writing it up and bringing it to the Complaint Booth, expected to be located next to the Information Station at the park's east gate.

The only requirement is that grievances be in line with the organization's Statement of Principles as printed in the program, listed on the website and displayed on banners around the Goodale Park site.

These parameters, which effectively rule out attacks on individuals, mean the new complaint system won't attract vintage whines like those that were common in the old DoneWaiting.com BitchFest days. Yet organizers are hoping for some top quality rhetorical fireworks.

"If your band didn't get picked, again, we're sure you have plenty to complain about," said entertainment committee chair Avril Phoule. "So take some of that white hot lyrical energy and let us hear it."   

In the collective spirit of the Festival, the merits of all complaints submitted Saturday and Sunday will be considered by a late Saturday night gathering of the staff of the volunteer-run event. Estrada denied knowledge of planned ritual intoxication during the judging, but declined to dismiss widespread rumors of an expected spike in snarkiness around this time.

The 10 best complaints will each be given a dramatic reading at noon on the main stage, accompanied by improvisational jazz and drumming. Special recognition will be awarded to complaints that elevate the usual discourse on two ongoing issues: bare boobs (too many? not enough?) and long lines.

All winners will be invited to a special reunion at Goodale Park on Monday June 25 at 8 AM, when they will have the honor of helping to load out and clean up.


© 2018 Associative Press / CMI

Healthcare.gov -- Do the Math

(Federal contracting) PLUS (web development) MINUS (potheads + pirates) DIVIDED BY ([GOP + TP] X [ISP=AOL]) = what could possibly go wrong?

Kmart Sued by McDonald's for Copyright Infringement over Easter-themed TV Commercial

 (10-Minute Updates)
     April 1, 2013

News Index From The Associative Press

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Filed at 4:20 p.m. E.D.T.

By Angela Motorman
CMI Senior Investigative Editor

Corporate executives for Kmart awoke the day after Easter this year to a hangover more serious than the usual sugar overload. The retail giant received notice today that it is being sued for trademark infringement by McDonald's over an Easter-themed commercial that featured a fictional animal called a "lamb-bit", purported to be half lamb and half rabbit.

In court filings McDonald's claims the Kmart ad damaged its planned introduction of a new menu item by the same name. The "lamb-bit" commercial  gained wide popularity, despite a having only a short run on one cable network, because of rapid viral proliferation as an online video.

"It took almost seven years to develop the recipe for the Lamb-Bit, and we've held the trademark for the since 2009," said McDonald's house counsel T.C. Mits in an interview with trade publication Fast Feasts. "It took Kmart just thirty seconds to undo all that."

Mits added, "No child will ever agree to eat a Lamb-Bit, much less ask for them, after seeing it portrayed as a live, fluffy Easter gift." 

In the commercial, which aired last week in two versions on USA Network, a father played by comedian Owen Smith gives his three young children an Easter present of a white-furred, baa-ing animal with long legs and tall ears, claiming the creature is "half lamb, half rabbit". After the animal runs out out of the house, clacking its hooves on the wood floor, the father is seen calling for it to come back as he posts flyers for a lost lambbit on a utility pole.

The commercial, which last aired on USA Network March 31 and has been removed from both the Kmart website and YouTube, is viewable at the industry site iSpot.TV ( http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7I9x/kmart-easter-shoes-lamb-bit )

Kmart spokesman Dennis Menimen said the McDonald's claim is "without merit", noting that the Kmart commercial used an unhyphenated spelling with no capital letters and never referenced any food item, only candy.

The retail chain, whose clothing line is the subject of the disputed advertisement, has received "nearly a half million email requests for a stuffed lambbit", Menimen added. He indicated the retailer plans to introduce the stuffed lambbit next spring, along with new versions of the popular ad spot.

McDonald's attorney Mits said the food chain had intended to position Lamb-Bits as the newest in a series of bite-sized menu items, pairing the nugget-like chunks of fried lamb with the customer's choice of sauce dips ranging from mild minted yogurt to spicy tomato with coriander and cumin.

Fast Feasts reporter Liz Estrada pointed to the unusually high stakes for McDonald's in defending its trademark in this case, linking to previous coverage of two other menu items that never made it out of development due to similar issues. The cured hot pork cutlet sandwich to be called the Hamlet was cancelled in 2010 after complaints from the National Council of Teachers of English.

In 2012, the chopped and formed fingers of poultry meat dubbed Duck Wings failed after fans of Caldecott Medal-winning children's author Robert McCloskey joined forces with the American Library Association to refuse to make way for the new snack. Not even a campaign by endorsers Phil, Si, Willie and Jase Robertson of the cable TV hit "Duck Dynasty" was able to rescue that promotional effort.

Initial arguments in the case are expected to be heard in July, and the cable industry public affairs channel C-SPAN has already said the proceedings will be televised live.

-----------------------------

Copyright 2013 CMI/Associative Press. All rights reserved.

Maddow's Birthday Shocker: "Trust me, you're not ready for this."

TWEATER Exclusive
April 1, 2009
17:15 PM EDT

RACHEL MADDOW: "Trust me, you're not ready for this."

Rachel Maddow has surprised a lot of people in her young life. At 35, she commands a large and influential audience as the rising star of MSNBC's stable of political talks show hosts, despite having a relatively short background in broadcasting and a distinctly progressive agenda. That she openly identifies as a lesbian is only one of the many factors that make her meteoric rise to stardom surprising.

But nothing she has said or accomplished until now prepared her friends, colleagues and fans as much as her announcement at a private dinner late last night, on the eve of her 36th birthday.

According to Rolling Stone reporter Matt Taibbi, a guest at the dinner who had earlier appeared on Maddow's 9 pm live broadcast, the host had two shockers up her sleeve. First, she announced that her on-again, off-again study of the Qua'an, which friends had known about for over a year, had led her to declare her faith in Islam. As her dinner guests sat in silence, trying to decide how to react, Maddow erupted in laughter. "April Fool!" she said. "I know it's a little early, but I couldn't hold it in any more. Got you, didn't I?"

Initial reaction was mixed, said Taibbi. Not a few of her friends thought the joke was in poor taste, but "a few more glasses of Shiraz and everybody came around pretty well." Then Maddow dropped the real bombshell, very casually this time.

"Oh, and by the way, I 've decided to announce something on the show tomorrow night that will really blow your mind," Taibbi quoted her as saying. "I'm not really gay."

The reaction was predictable. "Give it up, Rachel," said her producer, Bill Wolff. "You're really terrible at this kind of humor."

But Maddow insisted this latest pronouncement is not a joke. "Really, guys, it's true. Ask Susan. I've been working toward this for a long time. The whole point is that it just shouldn't matter who I sleep with, for good or ill. And the fact is, as much as I like her, I don't really sleep with Susan. We're just friends -- well, we're also co-conspirators in the longest-running joke you've ever heard of, but you get my point."

Heads swiveled toward Susan Mikula, long identified as Maddow's partner. Struggling to keep her composure, Mikula confirmed Maddow's claim. "It's true," she choked out between fits of laughter. "I honestly don't know how you all didn't figure it out years ago. The only thing that gets Rachel hot is infrastructure policy, and she's told everybody that like a hundred times."

Mikula continued, "I think Rachel's probably the least sexual person I've ever met. She's a great friend, a great roommate, but she lives in her head, and seems perfectly happy with that."

"Seriously," Maddow interjected, "this was an important point to make, about sexual preference not being a basis for deciding what to think about a person's ideas. It's been sort of nice to be a gay icon, but enough is enough. My work should be judged on the merits, just like everyone else's work should be judged on its merits."

It was at this point, Taibbi says, that one of the female guests, whom he declined to identify, abruptly vomited into a nearby wastebasket. In the ensuing confusion, Taibbi surruptitiously Twittered the basics to his editor. Shortly afterward, he called in to the Rollling Stone office with quotes.

"What was I supposed to do -- ignore the biggest scoop that ever landed in my lap?" Taibbi says, "I was the only person at the table -- besides Susan Mikula -- who doesn't work for MSNBC, and Rachel did not ask for any of this to be off the record. But it wasn't a 12-step meeting, and I'm not an idiot. I can't be expected to maintain confidentiality if the source didn't ask for it."

In the end, Taibbi's story was held by RS editors for almost 20 hours, as they scrambled to make sure it wasn't a second round joke. But MSNBC spokesperson Avril Phoule confirmed just before airtime that the announcement is real and will air tonight in the live show beginning at 9 pm EDT. Maddow's self-outing is expected to follow her interview with former Secretary of State Colin Powell.

Taibbi reports that the reaction of Maddow's colleague Keith Olbermann sums up most of the reaction quotes he was able to get ahead of the show: "I know I'm paid to talk for a living," said Olbermann, "but for once, I'm speechless."

Study Shows Rats Have Better Ethics Than Humans

(10-Minute Updates)
     April 1, 2001

News Index From The Associative Press

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Filed at 4:01 a.m. E.T.

In a new study appearing in tomorrow’s American Journal of Socio-Biology, researchers at Flagstaff University’s Mary Coulter Field Institute report findings that argue common lab rats have better ethics than human beings. A ten year series of tests involving carefully randomized human subjects demonstrated far more ruthlessly opportunistic behavior than comparable testing of rats.

“Professionally, this is fascinating, but personally it can get pretty depressing,” said lead researcher Dr. Vishnu Schist, author of the study, “Hierarchy and Self-Denial In Extremis: Socio-Biologic Implications of Reality Testing.”

The tests involved a simulated shipwreck, in which it became quickly obvious that only limited numbers of humans or rats would be able escape. The question was whether anyone would step back to let others go ahead, and in what order.

Scientists were dismayed to find that rats, despite the sterotype, actually proceeded in an orderly and predictable way, letting pregnant females leave first, followed by young rats. Humans, in contrast, shoved aside anyone who got between them and the way out. Dr. Schist said he had witnessed young male humans literally walking over very young human babies in their rush for self-preservation. “They just didn’t care who they stepped on,” said Schist.

The irony is, according to Dr. Schist, that such ruthless self-promotion inevitably leads to destruction of the whole species. So while saving only oneself may benefit the individual, he says,  “These rats have a much better sense of the future, and they’re going to outlast us, apparently.”


Copyright 2001 Associative Press/CMI

Senator Apologizes for "Troglodyte" Remark

(10-Minute Updates)
     April 1, 2001

News Index From The Associative Press

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Filed at 4:01 a.m. E.T.

First-term New York Senator Amanda B. Reckondwith apologized today for remarks made on on CNN’s “Spin Room” last night, during which she referred to a witness currently appearing before her Congressional committee as “a troglodyte.”

Reckondwith also told CNN’s Tucker Carlson last night that insurance industry spokesman David Walter should be held criminally responsible if the insurance companies go ahead with their plan to cut reimbursement for asthma and allergy medications. In her statement today, the Senator did not retract this second part of her previous remarks.

The newly-formed Joint House-Senate Committee on Common Sense in Government had called David Walter to testify about the insurance company strategy after hearing that the so-called “Big Three” insurers had jointly hired Dr. Andrew Weil as a consultant.

Ed Bradley of CBS recently reported on “60 Minutes” that Weil believes allergies are learned behaviors that can be unlearned with the aid of psychoactive drugs. In an interview, Weil claimed to have unlearned his lifelong allergy to cats while under the influence of LSD.

Weil’s role as consultant will be to explain to the  public the industry’s decision to stop paying for medication for the most rapidly-growing chronic disease in the world. Weil had no comment today as to where allergy sufferers could get pharmaceutical-grade lysergic acid diethylamide to help cope when the insurance runs out, which could come as early as May 1.




Copyright 2001 Associative Press/CMI